I can tuck mytits in my pants
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
please come you make the beer taste better
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
