I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize