my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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