remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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