Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
