I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
