He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
