I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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