he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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