Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
