i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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