Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
