So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
