i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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