You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
