why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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