I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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