I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
