Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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