So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
