I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
