Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
