Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
