The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
