I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
