I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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