her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
