My Higher Power is John Stamos
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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