Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
