when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
