My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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