If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
