she woke up with a sticky ear
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
