he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
