Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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