If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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