Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
