I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
foreskin is a definite game changer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
