You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
