I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As shirtless as possible
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
