sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
