I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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