I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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