My liver just broke up with me...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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