she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
