maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
