Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
