I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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