Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
