You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
