I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
