my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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