Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
